GROUP PLAY
When CONMEBOL bosses decided to reorganise their Men's World Cup qualification into a single group, did they have any idea what havoc they were wreaking? If the World Cup is the sensuous climax of football, South American qualification must be the rapturous waves of multiple orgasms. The single group format was introduced for France 1998 qualification, but at that time only nine teams were in, what with Brazil qualifying automatically as champions. But starting in MAR 2000, there would be nothing to prevent this from being the most action packed tournament of national sides ever. All ten CONMEBOL members would participate, playing a total of 90 [ninety!] matches to get to Korea/Japan 2002. At nine home matches per nation, this was more football per member - by a factor of two - than any other continental qualifying tournament.

Four teams would qualify automatically, with the fifth team playing off against whoever won OFC qualifying. As the group opened, not too many surprises occurred. Ecuador gave Brazil a scare at home on THU 27 APR 2000 but eventually lost 3-2, and Uruguay were able to defeat Chile 2-1 just over a month later. Four matchdays in, Argentina led the shindig with a perfect twelve points, Brazil were on eight, Uruguay had seven, Ecuador and Paraguay had six, and Colombia owned five points. Venezuela, traditionally the weak sister of CONMEBOL, did manage a win over Bolivia, traditionally the only nation they can ever beat.

And so it was that on WED 19 JUL 2000, Brazil rolled into Asunción to take on Paraguay. Carlos PAREDES put the home side ahead on six minutes, and things went from bad to worse for the Tetracampeones when captain CAFÚ was shown the red card late in the first half. But Brazil fought back, and the work paid off with sixteen minutes left when RIVALDO equalised. But the Paraguayan fans went into a frenzy when Jorge CAMPOS [not to be mistaken for the Mexican goalkeeper of the same name] bashed the winning goal nine minutes later. Brazil lost 2-1, only the second time they had ever lost a qualifier. Paraguay, meanwhile, had their first orgasm of the tournament, defeating their northern neighbours for the first time in twenty one years.

Brazil turned things round a week later when they dispatched Argentina 2-1 in São Paulo. The Albiceleste's five match win streak was snapped, and Brazilian coach Wanderley LUXEMBURGO earned a bit more respect from fans impatient with the team's lacklustre play. A trio of goalless draws on the same matchday left Argentina, despite the loss, maintaining a four point lead in the group. Brazil's eleven points were the same as Uruguay and one better than Paraguay, and so the land of the samba seemed well on its way to yet another World Cup appearance.

You are entering another dimension...

If this is indeed the beginning of the end of Brazilian dominance, football historians will probably sift through thousands of match reports and mark WED 16 AUG 2000 as the day the team entered the Twilight Zone. On that day, Brazil travelled to Santiago to meet Chile, proud owners of sixth place in the group. Marcelo SALAS returned to la Roja after serving a two match suspension for fighting in Chile's win over Paraguay nearly two months previously.

Fans around the world picked up the paper on that day and wondered whether a typo had appeared on their football page. Surely Chile 03-00 Brazil couldn't be right. But it was. Only two years after Brazil bulldozed the Andean nation 4-1 in the second round of France 1998, Chile repaid the deed with their 3-0 triumph. Salas delivered two assists, one each to Fabian ESTAY and Iván ZAMORANO, before scoring a goal of his own in the second half. As Chile roared into a tie for fifth place, Colombia's 1-0 win over Uruguay gave los Cafeteros seven points in their last three matches and earned them second overall. Uruguay, though, had scored twice only to see the assistant referee raise his flag for offside each time.

Things were a bit less wack on the weekend of SAT 02-SUN 03 SEP 2000, when Brazil returned to their winning ways by pounding Bolivia 5-0. Fan favourite ROMÁRIO made his first appearance for os Verdeamarelhos since before France 1998, coming away with a hat trick in Rio de Janeiro. Uruguay and Paraguay also won comfortably in another moment of erotic bliss.

Who's in charge here?

Qualification took a quick break during the Sydney Olympics, during which Brazil's U-23 team lost at the quarterfinal stage to Cameroon. That result prompted the sacking of Luxemburgo, and under interim coach CANDINHO, Brazil blasted six goals [four by Romário] past a hapless Venezuelan side. Ecuador bounced back from their 4-0 loss at Uruguay to post a 1-0 win against Chile, and Paraguay defeated Colombia 2-0 in Bogotá. After nine matches, Argentina owned 22 points, but Paraguay advanced past Colombia to tie Brazil at seventeen points.

One more matchday remained before the end of the year, and the Brazilian soap opera was rapidly becoming a global favourite. This time, we tuned in to see how new coach Emerson LEÃO would perform against Colombia. The fans in São Paulo were quite displeased, especially at Rivaldo's continuing mediocrity. If you'd found a friend who likes football but doesn't know who Rivaldo is, brought them to the match, and asked them to point out who they thought was the World Player of the Year, they'd probably never guess Rivaldo. In fact, they might even have picked someone from the Colombian side.

Nonetheless, ROQUE JUNIOR's stoppage time header off a corner kick gave Brazil the 1-0 win they wanted. Bolivia held Uruguay to a goalless draw at the high altitude of La Paz, Paraguay rolled past Peru 5-1, and Ecuador and Argentina also came away with wins. Ecuador's fourth place position, worth 16 points, put them on track to reach their first World Cup. Paraguay and Brazil were four points ahead of Ecuador and five back of Argentina, whilst Colombia and Uruguay stood level in the playoff spot with 15. Chile, Bolivia, Peru, and Venezuela were effectively out of the running.

Show no fear

Ecuador coach Hernán Darío GÓMEZ made a Namath-esque proclamation of victory in the days before his side's match against Brazil, saying, "Wednesday will be a different day for Ecuador". It was Ecuador's 22nd match against Brazil, and Brazil had won or drawn all 21 previous encounters. But things were in fact different this time round. Ecuador, sitting in fourth, had a good shot at reaching Korea/Japan 2002, and the nation knew it. Ecuadoreans brought the country to a halt at 20:00 UTC on WED 28 MAR 2001, the moment the match kicked off. Estadio Olimpico Atahualpa in Quito rocked as Agustín DELGADO scored four minutes into the second half. José CEVALLOS in goal made an incredible pair of saves with two minutes remaining, maintaining the shutout and locking up Ecuador's historic 1-0 victory.

Reuters wrote, "Brazilians awoke on Thursday wondering whether it had all been a bad dream." Brazilian sport paper Lance ran the headline "Just Venezuela left", indicating the only CONMEBOL country that still had yet to defeat Brazil. In Quito and elsewhere, delirious throngs packed the streets to celebrate the team's jump to within a point of third placed Brazil. Their 2-1 win over Paraguay a month later - in which they had a man sent off, fell behind, and then fought back - lifted them further into ecstasy. Meanwhile, Argentina struggled in the thin air of La Paz but managed to draw 3-3 with Bolivia on two goals in the last several minutes. Brazil plunged to fourth in CONMEBOL as they drew 1-1 at home to Peru. Fans in São Paulo tossed their Brazilian flags onto the pitch to protest Juan PAJUELO's equaliser for Peru with eleven minutes left.

Colombia's 2-2 draw at Venezuela dropped los Cafeteros to fifth and prompted the resignation of coach Luis Augusto GARCÍA. He, however, was one of the lucky coaches. On WED 09 MAY 2001, Gómez was shot in the leg in Guayaquil, Ecuador. The shooting occurred at about 03:00 UTC - 22:00 local time - and police promptly caught one accused perpetrator. After a week in hospital, Gómez went to his native Colombia and at first refused to come back, intending to resign from his coaching duties. But several key players, including Delgado and team captain Alex AGUINAGA, vowed to quit the team if Gómez tendered his resignation, and hundreds of fans marched the streets of Quito to convince him to stay on. A week ahead of their match at Peru, Gómez arrived in Quito to a hero's welcome.

Ecuador again fought back from an early deficit, falling behind 1-0 after just two minutes and then equalising in the twelfth minute. In stoppage time, Delgado raced past the Incas' defense, which was playing forward in hopes of breaking the tie, and beat the goalkeeper to score. Colombia's hopes of reaching Korea/Japan 2002 took a serious blow when los Cafeteros were trounced by Argentina 3-0. Pushed into fifth place, Colombia were in trouble, with tricky matches at Uruguay and Paraguay looming.

It's tough to be a coach

As all that was going on, Brazil headed to Japan for the Confederations Cup. Though Leão led the squad to a win over Cameroon to settle the score that ousted his predecessor, that was followed by two goalless draws with Canada and Japan. Then, Brazil fell to France in the semis and were handed a bitter 1-0 defeat by Australia in the third place match. Knowing that the axe was on its way down, Leão resigned from the post on the flight back to Brazil rather than be handed his pink slip when the plane landed.

Luiz Felipe SCOLARI, better known as "Big Phil", took over and promptly lost 1-0 at Uruguay. As all this was going on, CONMEBOL were trying to decide whether to hold the Copa América, the continental championship, in Colombia as scheduled in JUL 2001, push it back to next year, move it, or cancel it outright. A string of bombings in major Colombian cities prompted the anxiety, and the confederation straddled the fence for some time until they finally decided to go ahead as scheduled just six days before kickoff.

Argentina declined to play, impatient with organisers' inability to decide in a timely fashion. So, the guest team of Honduras rounded out the field of twelve, which also included Mexico and Costa Rica. Os Verdeamarelhos moved past the group stage but crashed out to Honduras 2-0 in the quarterfinals. The word "humiliating" was tagged to the team's loss at Chile and its loss to Australia, so by this time the team was beyond humiliation. Fans lined up outside Confederação Brasiliera de Futebol headquarters in protest of the result, calling for the resignation of confederation head Ricardo Teixeira. He had been implicated in a number of criminal offences by a congressional report that uncovered the rampant corruption in Brazilian football. There is still no sign that appropriate actions are being taken within the CBF.

Venezuela's mixed up fairy tale

Las Eliminatorias Sudamericanas resumed on TUE 14 AUG 2001, and once again, we were left to wonder whether our local papers had screwed up the results. Venezuela 02-00 Uruguay simply could not be right, could it? But sure enough, el Vinotinto dominated the fifth placed team, coming away with their second victory of the campaign. Brazil's match against Paraguay was moved from notoriously fickle São Paulo [see the flag throwing bit earlier] to the more peaceful Porto Alegre, and the side responded with a 2-0 win. Colombia sank 1-0 at home against Peru, which saw them fall two points short of Uruguay into sixth. Argentina qualified with four matches to go by defeating Ecuador 2-0 in Quito.

All these years the Venezuelan side had been the cute but disinterested girl in the corner whilst everyone else is enjoying the orgy. But when she finally got a taste of the highest form of pleasure, she was insatiable. In SEP 2001, Venezuela won in Chile 2-0, their first points of any kind in an away qualifier since they started trying to reach the Men's World Cup nearly forty years previously. A month later, they won at home against Peru, 3-0. In their previous qualification attempts, el Vinotinto had won only twice. In this tournament, they had just won their fourth match. Venezuela, long recognised as the only CONMEBOL nation in which some other sport [in this case baseball] is more popular than football, served notice that they are no longer the doormats of South America.

Uruguay and Colombia drew 1-1 on SUN 07 OCT 2001, a result that left los Charrúas four ahead of los Cafeteros for the playoff spot against Australia, who had won the OFC tournament. So, with two matchdays left, Argentina were in. Paraguay occupied second with 30 points. Ecuador were a point behind, followed by Brazil on 27, Uruguay on 25, and Colombia on 21.

Ecuador again ground to a halt as the national side prepared to host Uruguay on WED 07 NOV 2001, in which a draw would be sufficient to qualify. Both teams looked shaky at the start - Ecuador probably because of the pressure [from the expectations], Uruguay probably because of the lack of pressure [atmospheric, from the altitude]. But it was Uruguay who struck first, as a controversial penalty was awarded to Nicolas OLIVERA, who appeared to slip rather than be brought down. Nonetheless, he scored from the spot, and Uruguay were up. Iván KAVIEDES equalised on a header in the 73rd minute, at which point another collective orgasm peaked in Ecuador. The match ended in a 1-1 draw, which earned both Ecuador and Paraguay berths at Korea/Japan 2002.

Brazil could have secured their own qualification but fell 3-1 at Bolivia. Paraguay lost 3-1 to - guess who - Venezuela. That set up a final matchday in which no fewer than three teams' fortunes hung in the balance. The wild card was FIFA's decision to suspend Paraguay's goalkeeper José Luis CHILAVERT for spitting at Brazil's ROBERTO CARLOS in the Porto Alegre match. The four match ban included the Venezuela match, their finale against Colombia, and their first two matches at the Men's World Cup. The suspension was later reduced by one match, but it still sucked for Paraguay.

Colombia needed a win and some help to get through. They got the win, a 4-0 victory at Paraguay, but the help just didn't happen. Red hot Venezuela came to Brazil and hit a brick wall, losing 3-0 to secure qualification, finally, for the Tetracampeones. Uruguay drew 1-1 with Argentina to jump into the playoff with Australia, leaving Colombia - short by just one goal on the goal difference - feeling unfulfilled.

CONMEBOL/OFC PLAYOFF
Australia had been lying in wait for Uruguay, having secured the OFC title back in JUN 2001. Secretly the Socceroos might have been hoping to meet Brazil to relive their triumph in the Confederations Cup third place match, but even with their recent troubles, nobody hopes to meet Brazil. In the opener at the Melbourne Cricket Ground on TUE 20 NOV 2001, honours were even until the 78th minute, when Paolo MONTERO pulled Australia's Paul AGOSTINO down in the Uruguayan area. Kevin MUSCAT drove the penalty right down the middle, and Australia took the first leg 1-0.

When they headed to Montevideo, the teams were both expressing confidence that they would be waiting for their nation's ball to be picked at the World Cup draw a week hence. Darío SILVA, who had suffered a dislocated shoulder in the Argentina match, scored after fourteen minutes to put the home side ahead. The Socceroos appeared to have come down with jangled nerves in the first half, but after halftime, they were coming away with numerous opportunities - just not converting them. It was Richard MORALES of Uruguay who scored on a header with twenty minutes remaining and iced it with a second goal late, securing Uruguay's ticket to East Asia on a 3-1 aggregate victory. Australia were denied in a third straight intercontinental playoff, and the OFC is still negotiating with FIFA in hopes of receiving an automatic berth.